Without You
by Linen Tartaruga
Summary: They say after we lose a loved one that we must move on with our lives. Edward Elric has told many people that they should use their legs and walk forward. But sometimes, when you lose something, you can't always find the strength to stand...


**Disclaimer:** I own neither FullMetal Alchemist nor the musical _Rent_ save for a few measly pieces of merchandise. I make no money off of this so if you sue me I'll..well I won't be able to pay will I? Being a broke college student and all XP 

**Warnings/Notes:** Mild swearing, character death, there's also some vague spoilers for the series. Note: The character death is NOT a spoiler because it does NOT actually happen within the series. This is my first song-fic, and, if you couldn't tell, the song is "Without You" from the musical _Rent_, which I HIGHLY suggest seeing, if you get the chance (though not the one currently on Broadway, what with them going through this "Let's cast dried up pop-stars as Mark!1!ONE!11!" phase). I'm not entirely sure I like the way it turned out, I think it gets a little choppy near the end, but I guess I'll leave the (constructive) criticism up to y'all. Oh, and thanks to mah Skells for the suggestion for the flowers in the bouquet.

Lyrics are in italics.

* * *

**Without You**

The sun warms the top of my head as I walk through the aisles and I can hear baby birds chirping, hungry for whatever goody their mother has brought them back from her hunt. Squirrels are scurrying back and forth playing hard to get as they dart from tree to tree. I look down at the bouquet of blood-red roses cradled in my arms, they were always your favorite, but they somehow seem to pale in comparison to the wildflowers I can see growing around your headstone from here.

_:Without you _

_The ground thaws _

_The rain falls _

_The grass grows...:_

I caught the groundskeeper trying to cut them down once, but I made him stop; well, more like begged him to leave them and paid him to let them grow. I knew you would have liked them there; surrounded by life, even in death...

_:Without you _

_The seeds root _

_The flowers bloom _

_The children play...:_

I stand before your grave, trying to smile but it probably looks as forced as it feels and I drop it.

"Hi," I murmur, ignoring anyone that might be around who may be looking at me weird for talking to a headstone. "I came back, just like I promised."

You don't answer. I don't really know if I was expecting you to or not.

"You probably don't really want to see _me_," I laugh, weakly, "But..." I had to...

_:The stars gleam _

_The poets dream _

_The eagles fly _

_Without you...:_

"I figured you'd want to hear my report about how things are going with the Philosopher's Stone and everything."

_:The earth turns...:_

"It's not really going that great." I admit reluctantly.

_:The sun burns...:_

I have to pause, gather up the strength to tell you... To tell you the truth about what's happened... To the mission... To me... I have to tell you... Tell you that...

_:But I die without you...:_

"I think I'm starting to lose hope..."

_:Without you _

_The breeze warms...:_

"I don't know how to explain it. Before...I was so determined to find the Stone and restore our bodies, I wouldn't let anything stop me. I _couldn't_." I kneel down on the grass, gazing at the bouquet still in my arms.

_:The girl smiles...:_

"I think Al and Winry are the only ones that have noticed anything. Winry's always giving me this sad smile and trying to encourage me or whatever; Al too. Well, he doesn't smile so much as he gets that tone in his voice and you can almost _hear _him smiling._ You_ know what I'm talking about, right?" I can't help but laugh at myself for that. "Of course you do, you knew everything."

_:The cloud moves...:_

"You always knew everything..." I repeat, the weak mock of a smile falling finally from my face for good.

That's an interesting phrase, "for good," if you think about it. The words themselves, "for" and "good," would have you think that when something's "for good" that means that things are getting better, that it actually is for good. But whenever we use that phrase, it's usually in reference to something bad. The window's broken "_for good_"; the lake's dried up "_for good_"; I think my smile's disappeared _for good_; because you're gone...for good...

_:Without you...:_

I don't bother to speak out-loud anymore; I tell myself that's because there are other people around trying to spend a peaceful moment alone to mourn the loss of _their_ loved ones; but it's really just because I don't think I can get up the strength to keep my voice from shaking.

_:The tides change...:_

Wait, what was that? "Loved one"? Heh, that's right, didn't you know? Stupid question; you knew everything.

I never told you; I never told anyone. You knew though. I think Al did too. It wasn't that "eternal" and "all-encompassing" love that all those cheesy poems and songs and what-have-you talk about; at least I don't _think_ it was. I mean, I'm only sixteen, after all, what the hell do _I _know about love? Other than what I feel for Al, I mean; what I felt for our mother; what I still feel for you.

_:The boys run...:_

Do you have _any_ idea how frustrating it is to want to punch the same person that makes you so happy to see? I'm sure you do; you did it on purpose, after all.

Oh yeah, I knew; I'm not _that_ oblivious. I'd come into your office, give you my report on how my lead turned up nothing, you'd criticize me, mock me, ask me why I bother with such a hopeless dream, and I'd leave, more determined than ever to find the stone and prove you wrong. It didn't take that long to figure it out, but I never called you on it, no matter _how_ many times I told myself I would. It was like our little game; a secret handshake or something that only we shared.

I didn't want to lose that. I couldn't lose that, or I'd end up...like I am now...

_:The oceans crash...:_

I can't help but thinking that, maybe, if I'd told you all of this, then you wouldn't have gone off and gotten yourself killed. But who am I to say? You were just as stubborn as I am, so it probably wouldn't have made a difference. And everyone would have backed you up too, just like now.

_:The crowds roar...:_

Speaking of which, it was all of your devoted followers that finally convinced me to come back. I didn't see a point to it, but they kept saying that you were watching us from heaven, or whatever, and would want to know how we were doing. So I asked them, "If he's really watching us then why does he need me to go out to his grave and tell him?" To which they answered me by shoving me in Lieutenant Havoc's car and driving me out here. Well, I made him stop for the flowers.

_:The days soar...:_

I'd like to think that maybe there is a heaven, that there's somewhere to go after we die other than to just disappear; and I've no doubt that you would've ended up in heaven, if there is one. But, well, you know me, I stopped believing in god long ago. I've seen way too much in the span of only five years to believe that there's some compassionate all-powerful being somewhere out there, watching us and protecting us. Feh, if that was the case then...

_:The babies cry _

_Without you...:_

Then things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

If there was someone out there protecting us...then Al and I would still be in Risembul with Mom, or at least Winry and Auntie Pinako. We'd never have heard about the Philosopher's Stone because we wouldn't have needed it; we'd be whole, just two bodies of solid flesh, like everyone else. Hell, who knows? Maybe even my bastard-of-a-father would never have left and would be there with us.

_:The moon glows...:_

But, then again, I never would have met iyou/i if that was the case. So I guess...maybe something good came out of it.

_:The river flows...:_

I can feel the tears brimming my eyes as that thought morphs into another one and before I know it, they both come forth.

"But how can it be good if you had to die!"

_:But I die without you...:_

"You bastard!" I shout it without even realizing that I'd shouted, and I don't care that people are staring at me now. I can feel their eyes on me, wide with offense and sorrow and shock and scandal. But I don't care! Can't they understand! Can't they see that your death was pointless!

You were always going to extremes to push me forward. You always knew when I needed that extra shove towards my goal. So was this just another scheme? Just another way to keep me moving?

_:The world revives _

_Colors renew...:_

If it is, then I hate to break it to you...

_:But I know blue _

_Only blue _

_Lonely blue...:_

But it's not working!

_:Within me blue...:_

How can you expect me to keep moving on? When you're not there to taunt me, to tease me, to bait me until I see nothing but the road ahead of me, the one that I have to take in order to restore my brother's body? I can't do this alone, you_ know_ that, you've _always_ known that. I need you _here_; I need you angering me more than I thought was even humanly possible; I need you pushing me toward my goal without letting me realize it... I need _you_, damnit!

_:Without you...:_

"How could you do this to me!" I cry, my hands tightening around the bouquet. "How could you just leave me like that! What point was there!" I know I sound like a lunatic, and I'm upsetting the other people around, but I just can't care! My mind, my heart, my entire being is focused on the grave in front of me, the grave of the man that gave me a reason to live after my entire world was torn apart; the man that saved me from drowning in my own self-loathing and horror at what I'd done, what had happened.

_:Without you...:_

I shut my eyes to the blurring tombstone in front of me and squeeze my hands tighter around the roses before throwing them down.

"Damnit...!" I hiss, wincing as I pull my glove from my left hand. I wipe away some of the tears and hold up my index finger in front of my eyes, squeezing the tip as I watch the little drop of blood ooze from the small cut...

_:The hand gropes _

_The ear hears _

_The pulse beats...:_

As the dark-red bead falls to the ground, I can't help but flashing back to that night when everything had gone wrong. I watch another drop fall to the ground and disappear into the grass over your grave.

I could do it, couldn't I? I've become a lot stronger since then, I could probably pull it off with less of a price. Even if I _did_ lose my other leg or arm, I could just have Winry and Auntie Pinako build me another automail limb and then, once I get the Philosopher's Stone, I could just get it back with my _other_ limbs. Right?

It would be so simple...

_:Without you _

_The eyes gaze...:_

My thoughts are cut off by a soft breeze pushing my hair into my face, blocking off my view of my finger. I have to laugh at myself; it's almost as if it were you saying, "Don't be ridiculous. You know what happened last time." And then, before I can even say anything, as if you can read my mind, anticipate my answer, "And you know what they become..."

You're right, of course; I guess being right all the time comes along with knowing everything. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and feeling that soft caress of the warm breeze over my still-wet face, and I stand.

_:The legs walk _

_The lungs breathe...:_

You wouldn't want to be like that... I don't want you to be like that either. I rest my hand atop your headstone, remembering the day you came to Risembul. Someone once told me that I had eyes full of determination. Looking back, you were exactly the same way; you had the same eyes, looking off into the distance as if to some future the rest of the world couldn't see.

I don't know exactly what you saw, but I think I have a pretty good idea. I saw simply a world where Al and I didn't have to hide our pasts from everyone, where I don't have to guess what my brother's thinking because I can't see into his eyes, and where I don't have to deal with the pain (both physical and monetary) of my automail.

But you... You saw a world where you and the other State Alchemists weren't used as weapons of mass destruction against a people that wanted nothing more than to be left alone. You saw a world where you didn't have to take orders from some inhuman warmonger disguised as a well-meaning grandfather-figure. You saw a world where people still held to the motto "Be thou for the people."

You were far less selfish than _me_, that's for sure. Do you think you would have made it? If you'd gotten the chance? I think you would have, so do the others; and, for what it's worth, I would have supported you all the way, the same way you've supported me. My heart aches at the thought that you won't be anymore, and that I'll never have the chance to return your particular brand of encouragement and I feel the tears welling up again.

You know, I haven't cried since the night Nina Tucker was killed, that was four years ago. That's got to say _something_ for this hollow pain in my chest, right? Maybe it's not the same love that my Mom shared with her husband, but is that to say that it's no less strong?

_:The mind churns _

_The heart yearns _

_The tears dry _

_Without you...:_

I don't think so. They say that we meet people for a reason and every person we come across teaches us something. You were one of those people, Colonel...Roy. You gave me something that I can't even _begin_ to describe and now, I'll never be able to make it up to you.

I'll continue my search as best I can without your strong and silent support from the background.

_:Life goes on...:_

I won't let Al down, I can't let Al down. For him, and now, for you. But after that...

_:But I'm gone...:_

I don't know...

_:'Cause I die without you...:_

I don't think I can do anything...

_:Without you...:_

I can't see what's passed the road just ahead of me...and I don't think I want to.

_:Without you...:_

I let my hand drop from the tombstone, studying your carved name in the marble before I tug on my glove and start back to Lieutenant Havoc's car; he waited for me. I don't care that there's a small blood stain on my glove; I don't care that my eyes are red and puffy and my face is wet from crying; I don't care that my voice is hoarse from crying and screaming; I don't care that people are staring at me as I leave; and I don't care that Havoc's looking at me as if I'm about to fall apart. In my opinion, I think he's either too late or too early.

I'm not continuing my search to restore Al's body to atone anymore, not really. I'm continuing it to give him back the life he deserved all along. And then?

Then I'll be able to rest. Then I'll be able to give into this pain in my chest that screams at me to let it swallow me whole.

If there really is a heaven...then I hope I'll somehow be able to sneak my way in, and then you won't be able to leave me again. But before that... I still have a job to do.

I love you, Roy; and, hopefully, I'll see you again once I'm through with this last assignment...

_:Without you.:_


End file.
